One of the things I have always struggled with is my weight. I’m not one of those naturally lean people, who can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. Carbohydrates really, really like me. I know I won’t ever be a “stick-figure, silicone Barbie doll,” as Meghan Trainor so eloquently stated. But I would like to get to a comfortable weight and maintain it.
According to this weight chart (that I now want to burn), a “normal” weight range for a female who is 5’5” is 114 to 149 pounds, said female is “overweight” if she weighs between 150-179 pounds, and “obese” if she weighs between 180-234 pounds. Currently, I fall into the overweight category, and quite frankly, even when I was at my record lowest weight (picture below) I still didn’t weigh less than 150 pounds.
I didn’t mind being over 150, I felt good. I liked the way my clothes fit and I didn’t mind the way I looked in pictures. I know a lot of people put a lot of value into the number on the scale (I’ve been there), but I’ve come to realize that it isn’t the number on the scale that matters, but how you feel.
For me, I’ve gone through periods in my life when I am heavier, and then I lose weight and I’m healthier, then heavy, then healthy, heavy, healthy… It’s a freaking roller coaster! I am consistently inconsistent. I find things that work: south beach diet, weight watchers, running, Eat to Live, etc. Clearly I know how to lose weight, because I have done it successfully several times, but the longest I have ever gone without gaining the weight back was about 18 months. It just seems like eventually, I hit a road block and I don’t know how to get around it. Then I’m feeling miserable and the confidence I have in myself diminishes (which I know isn’t an attractive quality).
I’m sure there are ladies out there who weigh the same as me or more, and feel great about themselves, fierce even. Take these ladies below, they are “plus sized” models. They’re beautiful and they are rocking every curve they have. They clearly have a lot of confidence in their bodies and they look as if they feel very comfortable in their own skin.
I’m just not there yet. I feel very self-conscious 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. When I look in the mirror I see a lot of flaws: double chin, flabby arms, big thighs, and a tummy that sticks out more than it should. It has nothing to do with the number on the scale (even though the last time I weighed myself I almost passed out). It also has nothing to do with the people around me. Yes, a few people have noticed that I have picked up weight, but no one has given me a hard time about it. As far as I know, no one has called me fat or made anything major of it. It definitely isn’t Korey, he tells me I’m beautiful every single day, multiple times a day, and assures me that I am attractive to him. He would never tell me to lose weight, even if he thought I should, he just isn’t that kind of guy. With that being said, it all boils down to how I feel, and right now, I feel so uncomfortable.
Don’t get me wrong, there are things about myself that I love. I love my skin, I rarely wear make-up of any kind outside of chapstick, I don’t wear foundation or blemish cover up stuff… for the most part my skin stays clear and smooth (except for my freckle-like moles – which I also love). I love my hair, I mean I really love my hair, I am proud of my red, wild, crazy, and kinky curls. I love my eyes, they aren’t any special color, but they’re huge and different! I can’t control them – they just express themselves.
You know how you open a can of biscuits, and the dough pokes out?
That’s the only way to describe how I feel in my clothes on a pretty consistent basis. A simple fix would just be to buy new clothes, but NO ONE and I mean NO ONE likes to go shopping for BIGGER clothes. Even if I could bring myself to do it, we don’t really have a lot of extra shopping money laying around with us getting married in the next few months. So I’ll just feel like biscuits for the time being… but hopefully not for long.
I don’t know who to blame for why I feel this way… Should I blame the “mean girls” who gossip about everyone that walks by, judging them by their size or what they wear?
Do I blame society for deciding on what is beautiful?
Or, do I blame myself for listening to, and embedding the world’s view of beauty into my heart, instead of my Creator’s?
I know if I’m uncomfortable, I should be doing something about it, and I am, but change takes time. I am working on a life-style change that works for me on a long-term basis, and not just a quick fix (to end this roller coaster ride). I am also working on seeing myself through God’s eyes, because I know he created me as I am intentionally.
With all of that said, I’d like to leave you with a challenge! I know it takes way more positives to counteract all of the negatives that people have had poured into them. So, I am challenging you to compliment someone’s beauty. You never know how people are feeling, even if they appear to have it all together. Tell someone they’re beautiful. If you notice someone losing weight, TELL THEM, “Hey, you look great, have you been doing anything differently?” Pray for your friends, and definitely pray for our young girls. They need to grow up loving themselves because truly, every inch of them is perfect from the bottom to the top.